Insidious Ego In My Head

December 6, 2013February 3, 2015 / Kristian / 2 Comments

The world as we know it is mostly driven by egos. On all levels. From conflicts between nations and religious warfare via corporate competition and political campaigns down to workplace politics, family dynamics and intimate relations. Although to various degrees, all of us have this innate urge to be heard, respected and appraised by others. And when this doesn’t happen (and I dare say this seems to happen more often than not) we react in a multitude of ways ranging from mildly indignant to downright cruel. Because it is only normal to react when our egos are hurt, right? Maybe. But it is not the only way, and certainly not the best way. Thankfully.

As I see it, the non-physical part of what I like to call me, is comprised of three components: my soul, my mind and my ego.

First and foremost is my soul which is the subtle essence of who I really am. The soul is indestructible, eternal and divine and the only part of my whole being which is capable of love as well as the source of my intuition.

Secondly, is my chattering and at times ungovernable mind. A cognitive tool I have been given to navigate this life experience, and until not long ago my mind was more or less in charge of the whole shebang I call life. I am slowly but surely learning to put my mind in the place where it belongs, namely as my faithful and obedient servant.

Then there is this third part. Easily insulted and humiliated, never completely satisfied and on an eternal mission to detect and mercilessly judge flaws in myself and others. It is everything my soul is not. It is my ego.

My earliest memory of having consciously thought of the phenomenon of the ego was several years back. Someone I dated repeatedly exclaimed “Well, I do have an ego!!” in order to justify his less amicable actions. Having never thought of this before I sort of initially assumed that honoring one’s ego was a normal and just thing to do. -I deserve to put me first! Needless to say, our little union quickly became history.

In Alcoholics Anonymous on the other hand, you learn that an important aspect the 12-step program of recovery is ego deflation. The ego is the origin of Stinkin’ thinkin’ and something that should never be honored. This resonated more with me than the previous notion.

With time I sort of developed an attitude of trying to recognize when my reactions were ego based and if they were, then try not to honor those influences. This is of course something that is easier said than done when gallons of adrenalin are flushing pure, undiluted insanity through your system and a clear, loving thought is nowhere to be seen. I had however not yet discovered the true nature of the ego: Pure malice.

The ego is “suspicious at best and vicious at worst.” And we should not underestimate its vengeance. – Marianne Williamson

It was however not until I heard Marianne Williamson’s words on the ego in a recording from a workshop she held on A Course in Miracles that the penny really dropped. Never again could I be fooled into consciously believing that the ego should be honored some times and ignored other times. It will never have my best interest at heart. Not in a million years.

The Ego is an impostor that will make me self-sabotage everything good coming my way. It will set me up for failure and then mock me afterwards for having been so stupid to take the bait:

– Go on!! You know you want to! You deserve it!! You will enjoy it. Everyone else is doing it!! Come on now!

Then disaster strikes as if often does when I do something I shouldn’t have. And guess who stands shamelessly at the other end ready to assess my performance?

– How could you have been so stupid?? You should have known it would end like this!! It did the last time! You messed up again!! You’re hopeless!

This is only one of the numerous methods the ego has for making life miserable. Another effective trick is to convince me that I want, deserve and am worthy of something like a certain job or a romantic relationship, only to start finding flaws with my new job or special someone once it arrives. Never satisfied and always rejecting the now as anything but ideal and perfect. -There has to be something better out there!?! This can’t be it?!? Not to forget the oh-so-effective: This is too good to be true (-must find flaws)!

Marianne Williamson explained how she did not use to believe the Devil was real. She would convince herself: -The Devil only exists in my head, only to realize that in her head was the worst possible place in the universe it could be. Alas, meet your ego: The true Devil in your head!

So how do we get rid of this dark force within us? We can’t eradicate the ego any more than we can eradicate darkness. But just like darkness cannot exist when light is shone on it, the power of the ego vanishes in the face of love. We need to recognize it for what it is, namely a force that is not acting in our best interest, and then choose not to act on the impulses it sends us. Choosing one’s reactions and emotions sounds like sorcery to many, but this is completely doable with practice. Meditation is an excellent way to build the mental stamina needed to face your ego without fear or compromise. Your ego can only ever hurt you or boss you around if you let it.

Try to become aware of this the next time you feel the adrenalin pumping through your veins and you’re about to do something that may give you instant satisfaction but are likely to regret later. Like sending that angry email or buying that gorgeous thing you really cannot afford. Try to stop and ask yourself: Is this my ego trying to take over the show? And then try to choose a reaction that is in your best interest long-term. This is what true freedom is. Freedom from the ego’s cunning ways to make us screw things up.

In The Matrix the ubiquitous Agent Smith compares us humans to a virus on this planet. In our current state he might be on to something but I don’t think the human race is altogether incapable of harmony and sustainable abundance. That is if we collectively can learn to embrace our loving souls instead of our vicious egos. As a species we have the ability to create magnificent wonders as well as unfathomable destruction. Both forces are intrinsically embedded within every single one of us, in the form of the soul and the ego. Which voice we choose to make our master however, is entirely up to us.

Soulfully Yours,

Kristian

Universal Attraction

September 4, 2013February 3, 2015 / Kristian / 2 Comments

What if you could be, do and have everything you ever wanted? Live in an enormous mansion with your own personal butler and a gorgeously stunning dream partner who matches and contrasts you in every perfect way possible. Of course with an endless supply of money and harmonious relationships with everyone in your life, including your family, colleagues and even government.

Sounds pretty swell, doesn’t it? But as we all know, nobody has perfect lives like that! Or do they? I’m sure we can all agree on one thing: Some people have happier lives than most. Many have pretty shitty lives. And the rest of us fall somewhere in between, also known as mediocrity. But let’s not talk about mediocre things. That’s boring. Let’s look at those people who have it all. Why are some more fortunate than the rest? Luck? Fate? Hard work? Karma? Intellect?

I believe that their secret exclusively lies in consciously, or more likely unconsciously, wielding the Law of Attraction to their benefit.

The Law of Attraction has been known in more alternative circles for a very long time. It only really hit mainstream awareness in 2006 through the heavily marketed film and book named The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.

So what is the Law of Attraction? The Law of Attraction says that like attracts like, or that that which is like unto itself, is drawn. In practical terms this means that the thoughts you think draw the essence of them into your physical experience. In other words: If you think negative thoughts the universe with all its power will send matching negative experiences into your life. And vice versa: If you think thoughts of abundance and happiness, then the whole universe will conspire to bring just this into your life.

To most people this sounds a little too good to be true. Come on!! If it were that simple, everyone would be millionaires! Well, let me ask you: How problem oriented are your thoughts on average? How often do you focus on limitations instead of possibilities? Start observing your thoughts during a day. How many of them are truly magical? And how many of them are focused on dealing with everyday boring stuff? I am guessing it is a little bit of everything. Which probably also describes most people’s lives: A little bit of misery, a little bit of ecstasy and lots and lots of plain mediocrity called everyday life. Am I right? Unfortunately, this law is only attracting and not repulsing. It doesn’t matter if you want something or not. Whatever you give your attention to is what you’re getting (or rather perpetuating) whether it be a terrible love life or a duller than dull job. Moaning about nothing ever changing or getting better? Well, tadaaaa: Nothing ever changing or getting better is what you are attracting more of.

I have been fascinated by the concept of the Law of Attraction since I “coincidentally” stumbled across The Secret in a bookstore in Trondheim several years back. The idea sounded fantastic but somehow I wasn’t able to put this magic into practice. This did not change until December last year when I in a similar fashion “coincidentally” stumbled across a book by Esther and Jerry Hicks about Abraham. Finally I discovered tools to start taming this incredible force that sounds all too good to be true for an educated and rational mind.

Nine months have passed since I discovered Abraham in that bookstore. After nine months of learning to apply the principles of the Law of Attraction into my life, I have absolutely no doubt that I through my thoughts am the sole creator of this life experience. I use quotation marks around coincidentally in the paragraph above because I honestly do not believe in coincidences anymore. I attracted those books into my experience, because absolutely nothing can enter my life without me consciously or unconsciously inviting it in through the thoughts I think. If I think high vibrational, happy thoughts I am creating good things for myself. If I on the other hand am thinking pessimistic, negative thoughts that is what I am getting. I therefore take the full and complete responsibility for everything in my life. Both the good and the bad. And this feels great!

But does this mean that everyone who are going through hard times, experiencing hellish situations and generally are suffering are responsible for this themselves? Yes, indeed! Absolutely 100%!

No one is however suggesting that anyone has created their misery purposely. It is a matter of not being aware of the incredible power of thought, simply because this has never been taught to us. So although this might be a little bit (or actually a lot) in your face this really should be excellent news to everyone. If you are responsible for your own misery, this also means that you, and you alone can turn this around. A 180 degrees pivot to something you actually want.

For the smart people out there I am sure some of you are wondering: What about children being molested? What about people being born in war torn areas and in immense poverty? This is all explained consistently if you are interested to look into it further. I have personally not found anything here that has not made perfect sense to me. And I don’t see myself as neither delusional nor particularly easy to fool.

Deliberately selecting your thoughts can be a real challenge, especially to begin with. Going from a mindset where you believe that your own and other people’s actions create your life to one where your thoughts are the forerunners to everything is not done overnight. Let me just clarify, you need to think consistent thoughts in order to deliberately create your own reality. Any doubts, fears of this not manifesting etc will work against you. Faith and positive expectations are crucial components, even before you see any physical evidence of your dream manifesting. In case anyone is wondering, I have not received my millions just yet (but I’m sure they’ll come). It is however an incredibly fun, exciting and rewarding process where you slowly but surely start seeing results of the shift.

So who is Abraham? I think I will save introducing Abraham for another post. To quote Oprah, herself a fan, not everyone is ready to take in all that Abraham is. I will however warmly recommend the curious ones of you to go searching, Abraham should not be too hard to find.

But I must warn you: This is like taking that red pill in The Matrix.

You cannot go back to not knowing once you have started to grasp the incredible power of the Law of Attraction. But unlike The Matrix, the reality you wake up to is not at all cold and hostile. It is amazingly wonderful.

I have found that the Law of Attraction is like the Law of Gravity: Accurate, predictable and completely non-discriminatory. Whether you choose to believe in gravity or whether you are a nice person or not is irrelevant. Everyone who jumps off a building on Planet Earth will fall down. Every time. No exceptions! Similarly, whether you choose to believe in attraction or not, every worrying, happy, fearful and loving thought is creating and will continue to create your reality. Whether you believe in it or not. I am not here to talk anyone into believing in this because you are the only person who could and should decide in your life. But if I through this post has made someone a little bit curious to go searching for their own truths, then that’s great. We must all find our own path. In our own way and in our own time.

Attracting You,

Kristian

Unconditionally Yours

August 28, 2013February 3, 2015 / Kristian / 2 Comments

Unconditional love. A beautiful concept, but what does it really mean?

It is really very simple: It means to love someone or something completely and utterly, regardless of how the beloved party acts, behaves, responds or otherwise treats you back.

This can be fairly easy to do towards recipients that are easy to love like a cat, a cupcake or a small child. The real test for most lies in unconditionally loving adult human beings, ourselves included, being that no one among us ever will be perfect in every way thinkable to us.

The ultimate challenge is to love one’s romantic partner unconditionally, especially in a society where separating is always a viable option. Many would claim to love their partner unconditionally but how many really, really mean it? How many will keep loving their partner after having been betrayed in the worst thinkable way? If you are not willing to forgive any action from your partner, then (I’m sorry to break it to you) your love for your partner is based on one or countless conditions, and is therefore not unconditional.

“Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is” – Marianne Williamson.

Marianne Williamson sums it up beautifully here, I think. Every single person we meet is going to have sides that we are not too crazy about (or darkness, if you will) if we knew about them. Loving someone regardless of their dark sides is what I call unconditional love.

But doesn’t this mean that we would settle for less? Doesn’t this condone unacceptable behaviour? Wouldn’t forgiving betrayal set a poor standard for similar escapades in the future?

It could and it probably would if we were forgiving from a place of fear. Fear of not deserving a faithful partner, fear of being alone and fear of being abandoned. I am however not talking about forgiving someone for fear of these things. Forgiveness must come from a place of love, and more specifically love for yourself. You don’t forgive because someone else deserves it, you forgive because you deserve to be free of whatever was done to you.

It may sound paradoxical but loving unconditionally is the ultimate empowerment in the romantic department. Why? Because the other person has no power over your feelings for them. That power lies in you. You are the one who decides who and when to love. And when not to love. No one but you can and should be responsible for your happiness. When we humans realize that the complete power to decide our reactions rests within each and every one of us, that is when we find true freedom to be who we really are.

As a species we are diligently trained to react in very specific ways to a lot of specific things. And deviations from society’s norms are sadly not regarded as a sign of strength. If I hit you, then you should hit me back. Or at least yell, get pretty angry or possibly send someone in your place to reciprocate. If I say something nice to you, you are supposed to swell with joy or else you are arrogant. Who is really in charge in these situations? Well, it is certainly not you. I say, take your power back! Only when you decide if and how you want to react to other people and stop depending on default programming, only then will you be free of other people’s power over you.

To my future partner I want to say the following: My happiness does not depend on you, so you’re off the hook. I can never be happy because of you, but I will love to be happy together with you. Although I may not love what you are doing every moment of our time together, I will always try to see you as who you really are – not as you are in this moment. Quite frankly, I love you so much I don’t care what you think.

Terms and conditions do not apply.

Unconditionally Yours,

Kristian

Meditation Generation

March 10, 2013February 3, 2015 / Kristian / 3 Comments

I meditate daily and have done so for more than a year. As promised in my previous post I will now share some of my experiences with meditation with you. What started as a remedy to feel a little bit better while going through some difficult stuff has become an amazing sanctuary that has surpassed all expectations from a year back. I really had no idea what would come of it or where it could take me.

So what is meditation really? There are several ways of describing it: -Cardio for your mental stamina. -Stretching for the soul. -Relief from the mind’s perpetual chatter. And much more.

My first real experience with meditation was in Hong Kong several years back when a friend told me about a meditation teacher she had heard of. For quite some time I had been curious about what meditation was and wanted to learn to do it. I did however not get a lot out of the two sessions I had with this teacher, which probably was not the teacher’s fault. I wasn’t really ready and besides, the style she taught was not something that really resonated with me. Meditation is not really a skill you learn, and so, there are no rights or wrongs. Each must find his own way.

With meditation really not being a skill anymore than lying down or relaxing, it is something everyone can discover or rather remember. Although being a natural state of the non-physical part of us, it is a state that most of us forget as we grow up and are assimilated into the hectic mindset of modern society. Meditation is re-connecting with your inner self, which quite frankly is an amazing resource that most people are more or less oblivious to. Meditation can help you access your intuition in a way that is impossible if your mind is active. I am not talking about hunches about doing this or that, I am talking about a reliable and consistent connection to your intuition, inner being, sub-consciousness or whatever you choose to call it.

When I meditate I generally prefer to use guided meditations that fit my mood and life situation at that time. There are several good ones to choose from, and I personally recommend the ones from Meditation Oasis simply because they are the ones I used in the beginning. They can be downloaded for free as podcasts from iTunes and there is one to fit your every mood: breath awareness, patience, grief, gratitude, opening of the heart, relief from stress, accessing intuition, Chakra meditation etc etc.

I prefer lying down when meditating but you can also be seated if you prefer that. Personally, I don’t like to meditate when I’m so tired or sleepy that I drift in and out of sleep, simply because I find it confusing when the surreality of the dream state is mixed with the consciousness of the meditation. There are however no rights and wrongs here, what is important is that you find a way that works for you.

So what does it feel like? Well, it is more or less an exercise in not thinking thoughts, but to allow the mind to go quiet leaving space for everything else that is inside of you to come forward. By gently focusing on your breathing or just enjoying the gentle stillness of the mind you can experience inner peace, emotional ease or just a comfortable feeling of well-being. By all means, thoughts will appear in a meditation. This is completely normal, especially during stressful or emotionally challenging times. The trick is to not follow the train of thoughts but to allow them to drift out of your consciousness from whence they came.

It is not about making something happen, or trying to induce a particular experience. However, when you get more and more used to meditate, extraordinary things can happen that could leave you baffled and eager to delve deeper into your inner self. To many this may sound scary, I have however never found anything that has not been to my benefit. (However, if you know that you have a lot of unresolved junk in your past, seeking guidance from a professional may be a good idea before trying to fix things on your own).

I think my most “tangible” weird experience with meditation happened a few weeks back. I had meditated for about 25 minutes, finished and went to watch TV afterwards. After about five minutes I realized that I hadn’t put on my glasses after finishing the meditation (I normally wear contacts) but to my surprise I could see everything clearly. Completely astonished I checked if I could see clocks and other stuff far away that I normally need glasses for. And I could! When putting on my glasses it was as if they weren’t mine; I couldn’t see clearly with them. This lasted for the rest of the day until I went to sleep and woke up with my regular -1.5 nearsightedness the next day. When telling my optometrist about this he had no good explanation as to what might have happened here.

I know that many people are curious about meditation, but don’t quite know where to start and how to go about it. By all means, it is not a quick fix for anything, but instead offers a more soothing relief over time. It is however an exciting path where you can reap fruits in areas that you never imagined you would. Meditation could give benefits such as self-confidence, self-acceptance, patience, stress management, self-love, peace of mind and much, much more. Please don’t lose your courage if you feel you cannot get the hang of it straight away. Practice makes perfect and remember that continuity is of the essence here.

So if you feel like trying this, you are not alone. More and more people are discovering the world of meditation, and hopefully in not a too distant future meditation will be as normal as brushing one’s teeth or reading the newspaper. I am absolutely convinced the world will be a better place for it.

Meditatively Yours,

Kristian

Lose your mind!

March 2, 2013February 3, 2015 / Kristian / 1 Comment

I wish more people would lose their mind. Not in the traditional way of going insane, but as a way of escaping the ever-present background noise that the mind keeps filling most people’s heads with on a non-stop basis.

-Wonder if I’ll make rent in six months? -What did she really mean by that? -Do I look skinny in these jeans? -OMG. That’s ugly! -She probably meant that I’m not good enough. -What happens if I lose my job? -Why don’t banana sweets taste like real bananas? -What DID she really mean by that? -He is so pathetic!!! -I’m not good enough for that. -My boyfriend doesn’t take me seriously. -Because if he did he would do that and not this. -What did she REALLY mean by that? -Probably nothing good, anyways!

Well, you get the picture.

We are all receivers of this endless stream of thoughts that go through our minds in most of our waking moments. When was the last time you can remember being awake and not thinking about something? Some may wonder if it is even possible? By all means, thinking can be a lovely pastime if you’re daydreaming about something nice. But it can be far less pleasurable if the thoughts that keep running through your head are worrying, frightening and upsetting. The trouble is that most of us are not able to consciously select our thoughts but are rather victims of whatever the mind decides to throw at us. And the mind often does this as a default response to outside events over which we have no control.

So what is the mind? Is it who you are? Is it your soul and your spirit? Is it your identity? Not at all!! Far from it, actually!

Albert Einstein once said: The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift. (In this context I speak of the “mind” as only what Einstein calls the “rational mind”. I don’t regard the intuitive mind as a part of the mind at all). I think that Einstein sums it up wonderfully here: the mind is but a servant that humans are equipped with to use as a tool to solve cognitive challenges. However, in most people this servant has taken over its master and is now running the show with so much nonsense bulls**t and with such clamour that the sacred intuition is more or less drowned in its noise.

Your mind and the thoughts that accompany it are not who you really are. The thoughts you keep thinking turn into beliefs that to many create their identity as they know it. But again, beliefs are just thoughts you keep thinking. And if you stop thinking that thought, that belief will dissolve. Then who are you really?

So how is it possible to make this never-ending stream of thoughts stop? Can it be done? It is relatively easy to do this in short moments. Whenever you stop and completely take in the present moment, whether it be a beautiful view, a tasteful treat, a kiss from a lover or just by studying the shape of your finger, there are probably no thoughts in your head. If you are completely focused in the here and now it is impossible to have an active thought. And vice versa: Whenever you have an active thought it is impossible to be completely present.

German author Eckhart Tolle describes this concept of the mind thoroughly in his bestselling book The Power of Now. I think Tolle goes a bit too hardcore for my liking in advocating using the mind solely for practical purposes, leaving the rest of the time to live exclusively in the now. His concepts are however definitely helpful to anyone with a desire to tame the rampant mind that exists in most people’s heads. If you can control your mind there is no reason to worry, judge or even fear. Yeah, that’s right. By taming your mind you can more or less eliminate fear from your daily life. Think about it, what do you fear that is present or imminent here and now? Unless you are seated in a car speeding at a 150 km/h with no breaks or a madman is pointing a gun to your head while you are reading this, I am guessing that all of your fears are somewhere in an imagined future. And the projected future of the mind is actually nothing more than fiction in the present moment. So is it sensible to miss out on here and now because you are fearing something dreadful that will probably not happen anyway at some point in the future?

Taming the mind and putting it in its place in a lasting way is not something that is done overnight. After all, most of us have been taught to think like this through our whole lives by others who also were taught the same thing through their whole lives. However, the benefits of striving to regard the mind as merely an obedient tool are immense. Our thoughts can be extremely powerful, and when used right thoughts can create a life that will blow your mind. Literally. True happiness is never found in other people and objects. Happiness is found in how you view these people and objects. Among other places.

Many might worry what happens when the familiar chattering of the mind stops. Silence? Emptiness? Not at all. In the absence of the steady stream of thoughts that most of us are used to you will find inner peace, freedom, emotional ease, well-being and most of all love. You can discover a connectedness to deeper levels of yourself, your intuition or to something far bigger than yourself, depending on what you choose to believe in.

There are several paths to releasing the grip of the mind and taking your power back, and I think that the most effective gateway is through meditation. In my next post I will share my experience with meditation, and again there are countless approaches to this. Each must find his own way.

Mindlessly Yours,

Kristian

The end of an era

December 21, 2012February 3, 2015 / Kristian / Leave a comment

December 21, 2012 has come and is soon gone without any sign of armageddon thus far. Seriously, did anyone really expect cataclysmic events of biblical proportions to unfold because the Mayan calendar had to end at some point and that point was now. Our calendar ends every year in Champagne-fueled disasters that for some may make January 1 feel like doomsday, but every year the world moves on more or less as we know it. Thank God.

I do not however think that the end of the Mayan calendar is an omen completely without its significance.

“The world is changed, I feel it in the water, I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air” -marks the opening of the Lord of the Rings-trilogy. Maybe our world has not changed dramatically yet but I do feel (or rather hope) that we are standing on the threshold of great changes.

Anyone who has the ability to be honest and to think a thought through to its conclusion must see that humanity cannot and will not go on forever on the track we are now on. It just doesn’t add up. Sooner or later we will cause our own downfall and extinction unless the world of man changes. Dramatically. We cannot go on hurting, molesting, killing, robbing, torturing and hating one another. This happens on all levels of human relationships and it is rampant. From bullying in primary schools, cheating on one’s spouse, pocketing what isn’t rightfully ours and mundane raping and pillaging, up to the global political scene where nations are at war with each other creating disasters affecting millions upon millions. Not to mention what we are doing to our home, the only planet we have access to in the foreseeable future. Earth can be a gloomy place indeed, and to far too many their life experience here is an existence that falls nothing short of descriptions of hell found in the scriptures.

So how is the world changing? I believe that humanity is slowly but surely waking up to a mindset that is completely different from what we have seen in all of our years up till now. This change has been described as entering the age of aquarius or as the awakening that many are experiencing through the New Age or New Thought movements that are attracting new followers in all corners of the world every day.

These movements may sound like hippie-mumbo-jumbo to many. I mean, floating around believing that love is the answer to every problem, that your thoughts create your reality, that there are no coincidences and that everything actually could and should be well. What’s that about? I mean, shouldn’t these annoyingly harmonious people just wake up, smell the stale coffee stench and take the world for what it is? A harsh reality where you need to stand your ground and fight to get the life that you want? Or perish in the attempt, like good people have been doing for millennia already?

I don’t have the answers or truths for anyone but myself. But I am grateful that life has shown me a path where I have the opportunity to more and more choose how I want to view the world. And that I am able to and willing to question the so-called truths that we take for granted in life. If you hit me, do I have to hit back? If you do something hurtful to me, do I actually have to get hurt? If you betray me, do I have to get angry or upset? If I love you and you don’t love me back, do I have to feel sad?

To me, this is what the end of an era is all about. It doesn’t really matter whether the Mayans actually were predicting this shift in human consciousness or just coincidentally got bored of writing the calendar at this particular point in time. The world is slowly changing, with more and more people leaving the chains of dogmatic religion, and destructive and codependent mindsets to embrace ways of thinking, living and loving that do not limit themselves or others. New people are added every day. Until the 100th monkey effect takes care of the rest and makes the change inevitable. Well, or that’s the master plan. More or less. The old ways may have served us well in getting us out from the caves to where we are now. But now I believe we are ready to take our existence to the next level: Introducing Humanity 2.0.

This slow transition is the significance I see for the new era that we are entering.

Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas!

Spiritually Yours,

Kristian

Shining lighthouses

November 24, 2012February 3, 2015 / Kristian / Leave a comment

Lighthouses don’t go running around an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there, shining. -Annie Lamott

Many of us have an almost innate urge to help (read: save) others from toxic relationships, difficult life situations, destructive addictions or just simply themselves and their (in our humble opinion) faulty judgement. We want to give them much needed guidance and help to get back on the right path. I hate to admit that yours truly is no exception.

So why do we do it? The motives are of course plentiful and not all of them are based in an unhealthy desire to control our surroundings to fit our idea of what is right and good. Watching someone you care for facing difficulties can be truly painful and trying to help is often the most natural thing to do. But what do you do when the stray person declines your help? Do you just mind your own beeswax and get on with it?

Being at the receiving end of someone’s good intentions may not exactly be a confidence booster. We all want to proudly showcase that we are in control and to display the best possible façade we can (even though the cracks may be visible from space). After all, who likes to admit defeat? That they actually cannot do something alone? Receiving help gracefully is an art not mastered by the many.

But does someone’s refusal to accept your good assistance mean that you should just walk away? Leave them be?

Unless related by blood, walking away is perfectly OK in Chinese Confucian tradition. As a matter of fact, it is not just OK, it is the right thing to do and complies well with the Chinese attitude of not interfering with the internal affairs of others. By all means, observe it and talk about it. But get involved? Hell, no! What happens in other people’s houses, businesses or countries for that matter is their business. Not yours. Gossiping about it is however very much allowed.

In Catholicism however you are given a totally different licence to act. The Sin of Omission says that the bystander of injustice is as guilty as the perpetrator. Knowing the right thing to do and failing to do this is in other words not just morally questionable; it is in fact sinful. And helping someone, albeit unwilling, would probably be classified as the right thing to do by the righteous. That there in most cases exists no universal truth for what is right and wrong is of course highly irrelevant.

I don’t think that either of these extremes offers much help when it comes to helping the ones close to you if they don’t want your involvement. I think it is very important to be honest about one’s motives to do this. Who are you actually trying to help? Are you trying to help someone solve a problem or are you in fact trying to help yourself feel better about yourself? Are you trying to show yourself off as the saviour of unfortunate loved ones? That many people are trying to help others in order to avoid looking at their own problems may be a well known phenomenon. However, admitting that our unfortunate friends in fact are tools primarily used to deal with our own pain or boost our own egos may be hard for most of us.

Nobel Peace Price Laureate Aung San Suu Kyi once said “If you feel helpless – help someone”. Noble indeed, but seen in this context this excellent quote is not without its flaws. What is your motivation? Is it to actually make a positive difference in someone else’s life? Or is it to feel better about yourself? Really?

Many people’s noble intentions may be rejected by the recipient with the result that the generous helper may get upset, insulted or both. After all, we are only trying to help. Again, who is this really about?

This is where the metaphor of the lighthouse comes in and beautifully sums up what I believe to be the more loving approach. I believe that when someone you care for needs help, the only thing we can do is to gently and steadily put our hand out and let them know it’s there. That’s all. If they choose to grab onto it, then that’s wonderful. But if they don’t grab it right away or even push it away we can still keep it out there. Close enough for them to grab onto if they change their mind, but far enough away to give them space to find their own way. We don’t help people by forcing them to fit into our perfect picture. We help them by standing by them with compassion, not pity, as they face their own consequences, make their own experiences and paint their own picture of the world.

Loving our friends, family and partners only when they act the way we want them to, is not love. Loving them in spite of their human flaws is. We love them for who they actually are and not for whom we would rather have them be. This is unconditional love.

Till next time: Love before you help!

Kristian

It’s nothing personal

September 4, 2012February 3, 2015 / Kristian / Leave a comment

“Don’t take anything personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality”.

I remember the first time I read these words ten years ago in The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Recommended to me by a tarot lady. At the time I was working in a trendy Notting Hill restaurant in London and on Saturday nights the owners had hired Sanya from the Balkans (believe me, she looked and sounded the part) to do after-dinner readings for the guests. You know, Sanya to the rescue in case the date got boring. An excellent idea actually.

Nothing others do is because of you! I was baffled. How could this be? This went against everything I thought I knew. Isn’t it my behaviour that decides how others treat me? Isn’t it the way I look that decides whether people are attracted to me or not? And isn’t it so that if someone likes me I should feel good, and if someone doesn’t like me I am supposed to feel bad? This is how the world works, right?

Imagine that you walk down a busy street and give the finger to three random people. The first person laughs at you while number two asks you what the hell your problem is. Unfortunately for you the third person pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You did exactly the same thing to three different people, but got three completely different responses.

This example should make it pretty obvious that you by and large cannot control how other people in fact will react to you. Experience makes you able to predict, but still you can only do the input, the output is entirely out of your hands. It goes without saying that flipping someone the bird is not a very nice thing to do and most people don’t like it, but their actual reaction is not because of you. It only depends on them and where they are.

I am sure everyone has talked to their friends about who is hot and who is not. Probably more often than not you and your friends don’t all fancy the same person. And thank God for that. While one friend may be head over heals about a guy, another may think that although he may look ok he’s not their type. The person in question is the same, but different people react differently to him based on their personal taste, preferences and priorities. All things that can vary individually to each and every person. The it’s-not-you-it’s-me-excuse may actually be true more often than we think.

Not taking other people’s opinion of me personally is truly liberating. It has however taken me a long time to be free of this. Years actually. It is only when I speak to people who are truly upset about other people’s opinion of them that I realize how far I have actually come. If someone tells me that someone else thinks this and that of me my instant reaction is normally nothing more than a shrug and who cares? Yeah, really! Because I don’t.

I remember talking to a friend a while ago who was doing really well at work. Unfortunately he was feeling down because some of his colleagues were jealous of his success and wouldn’t talk to him as much any more. I remember asking him why on earth he was feeling down about this. There is absolutely no doubt about who has got the problem here, and it was not him. He could rise above this, but their pathetic reaction made something that should have been a wonderful thing bittersweet instead. What a waste!

Of course with this way of thinking it doesn’t matter whether people think good or bad thoughts about you. Neither is personal. While this may be liberating for the bad stuff, it can feel like a bit of a waste on the good stuff. Shouldn’t you feel good if someone says something nice to you? Sure, by all means. But it is still not really because of you, it is because you happen fit into their image of what is good. The key is to feel good about yourself regardless of other people, only then can you be free to really be yourself. And still, I am pretty sure that most people find it a lot easier to believe the bad things people say about them compared to the good things. So believe the good things if you want. If you are like most people, chances are you’ll forget them soon enough anyway. Just a hunch I have.

Not caring about what others think of me is of course not a carte blanche to behave badly. I still want the best out of life and I know that this normally happens when I’m on good form with the world around me. Moreover, treating people inferior to how I myself want to be treated doesn’t feel good. And I’m all about feeling good!

I don’t need tarot cards to recommend The Four Agreements to anyone though. A great read that I can warmly recommend to anyone.

What other people think of me is none of my business.

Personally Yours,

Kristian

When the going gets tough

August 30, 2012February 3, 2015 / Kristian / 2 Comments

I recently heard that one in three people will suffer from anxiety, depression or both at some point during their lives. That’s a lot, but hardly surprising. Almost everywhere I turn I see people struggling with life. Not saying that life should always be easy, but for many it seems to be a bit too gloomy and scary for comfort.

Few things are more stigmatizing in our society than psychological illness, even the relatively mild cases that a large number of people suffer from in silence (Just to clarify, I am not talking about heavy cases of mental illness in this post). You hardly ever meet anyone who openly talk about their problems with anxiety unless it is someone very close to you. Because no one must know that the perfect façade hides a person who is afraid. This is very different from physical conditions that (too?) often seem to be excellent topics for social conversation. People enthusiastically share their problems with migraine, aching backs or cancer with whomever wants to hear, even complete strangers. This is taken to the extreme when people even go on TV to have their hemorrhoids and verrucas exposed and broadcast to the whole world in British reality show Embarrassing Bodies.

Suffering or having suffered from psychological conditions is oftentimes something that people carry with them as a shameful burden for the rest of their lives. A bit like a broken vase. It may well be whole again, but it is forever scarred and considered more fragile compared to one that has never been broken.

I believe one reason we have trouble dealing with anxiety and depression in a healthy way is that these problems by many are not considered health problems, but rather character defects. Sufferers and bystanders alike may therefore think that these are simply weak-minded people who even also may be partly to blame themselves for their problems. Well-meaning advice often includes solutions like pulling themselves together, just cheering up or to not worry so much. Gee, I am sure they hadn’t thought of that already!

Why is it so hard to view this for what it is, namely health issues? You would not tell a cancer patient or someone with chronic back pains to pull themselves together and get well. Yet, telling a teenager struggling with anxiety and depression to do just this seems legitimate to many.

If one in three develops anxiety or depression during their lives it goes without saying that the causes are numerous. It may be traumatic experiences, stress, substance abuse, abusive relationships, simply being genetically predisposed and lots of other things. My point is that I do not think that the average sufferer from mental disorders is any more responsible for their own condition than patients with more physical troubles. So why the taboo and stigma? Why do people wait in the longest to seek help for their constant sense of impending doom? Or even worse, why do people tolerate this as a natural part of life and deal with it themselves instead of seeking professional assistance? Dealing with this oneself may include self-medicating on drugs and alcohol, becoming abusive themselves or holding it together until total collapse. These are all things that would almost inevitably affect family, friends, colleagues and everyone else around the sufferer.

I am not a health professional and am therefore not really qualified to give any advice on psychological problems, apart from encouraging people to seek help if they feel that life is a bit more difficult than it should be. Seeking help could start with talking about it to a friend or seeing a doctor or therapist. You may be surprised at how many who have experiences to share, either from their own lives or through someone close to them. Experiences that can give hope, guidance and the knowledge that things will get better.

Life is way too short not to be happy. And I am convinced that a lot of people could improve their quality of life if they only would give themselves a break and respect their own limits. Because we all have limits, and depression and anxiety may be your body and mind’s way of telling you that you are pushing it. If you keep pushing it chances are it will say stop in a big way a bit further down the line. And let me tell you: No one will be thanking you the day you hit the wall! Neither your friends, family nor your boss.

I don’t see anxiety and depression as signs of weakness and I don’t think that people who have suffered from this and recovered are more fragile than others. The contrary may actually be the case. In fact some of the most sorted people I know have made their very own personal experiences in this area. People who have felt their own limits, and are aware of them may in fact be living healthier, happier and more sustainable lives in the long run.

As for the vase-metaphor mentioned above, I rather like to think of it as a seam. For isn’t a seam that has been repaired often stronger than the original seam?

Mentally Yours,

Kristian

The beauty premium

August 28, 2012February 3, 2015 / Kristian / Leave a comment

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder is a pretty worn out phrase we have all heard countless times. But is it? Is beauty really subjective? Or is this just mumbo jumbo to make lesser looking people feel better? According to a lot of studies, this may actually be the case. During my last year of university I wrote a paper on if good-looking people were better negotiators, and consequently plowed through a lot of research on the field.

Although it is nice to think that someone considered ugly by one person may be found beautiful by another, this is may not be how the world works. At least not objectively. If you ask people from all over the world to arrange ten portraits of random people in order from ugly to beautiful, they are likely to make similar judgements. This means that if people think that your sister is more beautiful than you in Alaska, she probably will be considered more beautiful than you in Thailand too.

I can only speak for myself, but I quite like being surrounded by beautiful things. By things I also mean people. Shallow I know. But I do. By saying that, I don’t dislike being around not so beautiful people either. But beautiful people add an extra visual bonus to any setting. And I am convinced this attitude is far more common than most people care to admit.

What may come as a surprise to many is that persons endowed with an attractive exterior also make more money than the rest. Yup, that’s right. Physical beauty affects wages. At least statistically. Economists talk of a beauty premium, and this premium may in fact be twice as big as the corresponding, what should I call it, ugly penalty. In other words employers are willing to pay more to hire an attractive person than someone average looking or less. How unfair the world is. I can however see some rationale in this, if the worker will be face-to-face with customers and clients. People are actually easier persuaded by good-looking people. This was once tested on a campus in the US where both handsome and not so handsome campaigners were trying to have people sign their petition against meat in the cantine. Not surprisingly the good-looking ones were far more successful at convincing people, regardless of gender (I only hope the campaigners were not informed of which category they were in). Also, anyone who has ever worked in a bar has probably noticed how attractive bartenders often sell more and get more tips than the ones looking average. Because who doesn’t want to be served by someone dreamy looking if we have the choice? That’s only human, right?

Another finding is that good-looking people often communiate more efficiently than the rest. A possible explanation here is that beautiful people have received more attention from relatives, teachers, peers and others even from childhood. Being popular in their early years may therefore have made them more skilled in interacting with others, simply because they have had more opportunities to practice with more friends and attention. I remember speaking to a mom once who totally aware of this made a point of dressing her daughters in fancy clothes so that they would get more attention in kindergarten.

Ok, as I am writing this now I feel that this is enough. Because my point with this post is not to make beautiful people feel even better about themselves and leave everyone else feeling down. There is of course more to a person than his or her exterior. Another well-known phrase is that A beautiful exterior catches my attention while a beautiful interior keeps it. Because I really don’t care how beautiful someone is, if their attitude stinks, they can really piss off.

Beauty is not only what you have been given from nature; There are countless things each and everyone can do to up their market value, so to speak. Clothes, hair, teeth, make-up for the ladies, physical fitness, personal hygiene and more can be just as essential as genes. And my point is that I think many can benefit from caring a bit more about how they present themselves to their surroundings. Not only on a personal level, but also in their careers and elsewhere in life. Because the one losing out if you don’t is probably mainly yourself.

Since dashing out beauty tips is not really my thing, I will only give this one: You are always dressed with a smile. Even if your smile is not taken from a Colgate commercial.

Well folks, this has been an edtion of superficial Kristian. Next time I am going to write about war and peace and politics and stuff. You know smart thingys. Kinda. I think.

Beautifully Yours,

Kristian

Coach Kristian

Become Who You Are

Author: Kristian

Insidious Ego In My Head

Universal Attraction

Unconditionally Yours

Meditation Generation

Lose your mind!

The end of an era

Shining lighthouses

It’s nothing personal

When the going gets tough

The beauty premium