Author: Kristian

The easy way to stop smoking

/ Kristian / 13 Comments

stub of cigarette

I used to smoke like a chimney. Literally. I used to say I smoked 20 a day but being completely honest, I was probably more of a 50-a-day smoker. Yeah. That bad! I am happy to say that in January it had been five years since I smoked my last cigarette. Reactions I get when I tell people I have gone five years without a smoke are normally along the lines of:

–Wow! That’s amazing! You should  be really proud of yourself!

Which of course is very nice to hear and excellent for boosting my ego, but truth be told I almost feel like a cheat taking credit for it. Why? Because it has been dead easy! Yeah, that’s right! Quitting smoking was easy peasy. And had it not been that easy I would not be writing this post today. I am constitutionally incapable of not enjoying myself and I have no resilience whatsoever against sweet little habits that give me instant satisfaction. None. Nada. My willpower against cigarettes was (and probably still is) virtually non-existent. If I had wanted a cigarette even once in the last 5,5 years I probably would have smoked it. But I haven’t wanted one.

Anyone who has ever been addicted to nicotine knows that the mere thought of quitting is overwhelming. Like looking into an endless, unhappy abyss which is the rest of your life. What doesn’t really help is that smokers constantly hear how incredibly hard it is to give it up. You may have heard the expression Once a smoker – Always a smoker. You know, the ones who even after 20 years still want a cigarette, and who go through the rest of their days feeling deprived of something that used to bring them great pleasure. How sad! Really. What in God’s name is the point of quitting if you cannot enjoy it? Make no mistake: I am here to tell you that when I quit smoking I thoroughly enjoyed every step of the process.

So what is this miracle cure? Hypnosis? Antidepressants? Jesus? Nope. I went to a 5 hour workshop (with smoking breaks) one late afternoon in Oslo on January 11, 2007. That was all.

You may have heard of the book The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. I had read that book five times prior to January 2007. All five times I had stopped smoking but started again after everything from 2 days to 2 months. I liked the method but somehow it just would not stick. Luckily, there were also workshops available where you could learn to quit using the same method, but from a live person instead of a book. You cannot ask a book anything if you want something clarified, don’t understand something or let it know that you disagree. With an instructor you can, and I believe that made all the difference. The workshop was led by a former smoker by the name René who the whole experience very enjoyable.

The method is no hocus pokus. You learn why you think you smoke, and why you actually smoke. You may think you smoke because you like the taste, it relaxes you and so on. But honestly, anyone who has ever smoked a cigarette knows that they don’t exactly taste like strawberries and cream. And cigarettes as a relaxant? Try to notice your pulse before and after lighting up a cigarette in the morning. Can something that increases your heart rate really be relaxing? I will not go further into the method here, because I want to leave that to people more qualified than I.

As I said I had no willpower to resist smoking. My willpower can be strong when it comes to many things but in the face of smoking it was useless. It was like trying to climb out of a 10 meter deep hole using a 5 meter long ladder. Nothing wrong with the ladder. It is just not long enough.

I quite simply hate being miserable, and wanting a smoke and not allowing myself one is pure misery. I could never do that, so therefore I thought I was forever stuck in the nicotine trap. Albeit not being armed with sufficient willpower I did have a very strong desire to quit, but I had no idea how to do actually do it. My primary motive to stop was that I felt I was selling myself short by smoking. It was (and still is) important to me to be all that I can be, and constantly inhaling poisonous gases, coughing and not exactly smelling like roses would not exactly pull me in the right direction.

I am not writing this to showcase my success. I am writing this because I want to tell smokers who think they must choose between continuing smoking and being miserable that there is a third option: Quit smoking and be a happy non-smoker. I normally hate the phrase If I could do it, anyone can, but it is actually very true here. Try not to buy into so-called universal truths that surround you telling you how hard it is, because it doesn’t need to be. It certainly wasn’t for me, and it does not need to be like that for you. 

So if you (or someone you know) want to quit smoking I can warmly recommend these workshops. I went to one in Oslo but they are available all over the world. In case you are wondering if I am getting paid for this the answer is no. I am doing  this solely because I want others to experience the wonderful feeling it is to quit smoking.

It is time to leave the sinking ship!

Non-Smokingly Yours,

Kristian

Pointless worrying

/ Kristian / 1 Comment

SmilingTreeLogsWithDaisies

Don’t worry, be happy is the title of an extremely annoying tune that was big in my 1980s childhood. Surprisingly, the more I learn about life, the more true the message of this cheesy song becomes: The less you worry, the happier you will be. But is it really that simple?

Over the weekend my family gathered to celebrate my father’s 60th birthday, meaning I got a chance to catch up with family members that I don’t see very often. As you do, you talk about what goes on in your own and their lives and as in all families life is not just smooth sailing. Everyone has their problems to deal with, big and small, which is completely normal. What is also normal is that a huge part of people’s problems actually lies anticipating obstacles and then worrying about them. What might happen? What’s the worst case scenario? You know, just in case.

It is impossible to worry about something that is happening right at this moment. If you have a genuine problem right now, like a car speeding towards you, your only real option is to deal with it. Worrying is not to deal with problems. It is to spend time and energy focusing on something that you at this very moment cannot or will not deal with. Worry is without exception focused either in the past or in the future. Everyone knows that you cannot change the past, it is over and done with. Finito. Worrying about it will not change anything at all. Not even a little bit. So why worry about it? Really?

I do however believe that for most people a majority of their everyday worries lie in the future. What problems may arise? How am I going to deal with this and that tomorrow and next year? It could be illness, money problems, relationships, career and the list goes on and on. Our worries become vivid projections of the mind that can be both scary and unsettling. The good news is that right at this moment this is only fiction. It is not real. It only exists in your mind and absolutely nowhere else. I read somewhere that only 8% of worries actually come to pass, with the remaining 92% being forever left in the imagination. I have no idea how someone has landed on those numbers, but somehow I don’t think they are completely off. Because isn’t it so that most of our worries thus far have never manifested themselves in reality?

The Dalai Lama teaches that if you have a problem that is solvable then there is no need to worry, and that if you have a problem that you cannot solve then there is also no need to worry. That simple. This is beautifully summed up in this simple flowchart:

Worrying is not going to change anything. Trying to carry tomorrow’s sorrow today only ruins today and quite frankly does not make tomorrow’s sorrow any less painful. There is no discount. Guaranteed. So then again, why do we keep worrying?

The point is that worrying never adds anything positive to anything. It only steals happiness from today without making the potential unpleasant situations that may arise in the future any less painful. Humanity seems however to have accepted worry as a completely normal activity of the mind, and to most people life would be incomplete without it. The habit of worrying is so deeply rooted in us that very few even stop to think if there actually is any point in doing it. And truth be told: It is completely pointless.

Some people think they have to worry to care for someone. I have news for you: Worrying about someone rarely leaves the recipient of the worrying thoughts feeling any more uplifted. As a matter of fact the contrary is probably more often the case. Not only have they got a real problem on their hands, they also get to live with the knowledge that their own problems are destroying the happiness of others. A double burden. So if you do have to worry about someone you care for, do them a favour and keep your worries to yourself. This does not mean that you cannot care for, love or be there for someone. But it means that you may want to look for other ways to show your concern than to inform them of the pain they are causing you. Make it about them, not about your reaction to their problems.

Worry is not a necessity to prepare for the future, if anything worrying can work against you in the form of self-fulfilling prophecies. When you expect a bad result, chances are you will attract one. And vice versa.

American novelist Alice Hegan Rice once said:

It ain’t no use putting up your umbrella till it rains!

I think that is pretty good advice.

 

Happily Yours,

Kristian

God-given licence to act like a prick

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CrossOfWoodenSticksI was browsing one of my regular discussion forums today and to no one’s great surprise the topic of religion was of course high up on the list. What amazes me with discussions on religion is that almost every debater demands respect for their views while offering none of that to the counterpart. Amidst labels like brainwashed, doomed, infidel, stupid etc. there seems to be very little constructive debate. And when it comes to beliefs what is there really to discuss? -I believe this! -I don’t believe that! -I like strawberries! -I like vanilla. -Ok. Let’s wrestle!!

I am not a big fan of organized religon. Not because I don’t believe in a power greater than myself, but because I am left with the impression that it belittles and limits its followers more than it sets them free. Believers are rarely encouraged to formulate their own conclusions. Instead indoctrination and blind acceptance of inflexible truths seem to be a prerequisite for a majority of organized religions. Not to speak of the literature that accompanies them. These books are being treated by many as if they once came falling down from the heavens bound in hardback and translated into every modern language. Rightfully, a lot can be learned from these books as many principles are universally accepted truths, but they must never be taken literally. They were written in another time and more importantly they were penned by humans. Fallible humans.

Humanity evolves but this is not done by clinging on to the marvels of the past. We must remember the past, learn from it and then create something even better. Creation is continuous. Treating religious texts as ultimate truths that can neither be questioned (the authors are long gone) nor reasoned with is not to learn from the past. It is to be stuck in it. Look ahead, and for the love of whomever you believe in: Use that wonderful mind that your creator equipped you with.

I have great respect for people who use their religion for the good of the people around them. I have however very little patience with those who use their religion to limit the freedom of others. If your religion can add to the harmony of the world around you then I am all for it. But if your religion is a licence to discriminate, harass, molest and even murder then I am pretty sure that you are on the wrong track if it is eternal salvation you are chasing. Just a hunch I have.

What are my beliefs? Well, really I just want everyone to get along. Seriously. I try to treat others like I want to be treated, an attitude that I believe can go a long way. And I believe that love trumps everything.

Three things will last forever–faith, hope, and love–and the greatest of these is love. 

 

Lovingly Yours,

Kristian

Only the Lonely

/ Kristian / 7 Comments

According to the teachers, there is only one thing that all people possess equally. This is their loneliness. – Hyemeyohsts Storm

I read this a few days ago and it has been rolling around in my head ever since. Can this be true? Is really every single person on this planet lonely?

Having moved abroad alone twice and also being chronically single I am quite familiar with the concept of being on my own. And frankly, I am comfortable with it too. In spite of being alone a lot I cannot really remember having felt truly lonely. Or at least, I have never allowed myself that feeling. Being lonely in today’s world is something many consider sad, pathetic and even shameful. You can choose to be alone, but being lonely is something that happens to you. It victimizes you.

The fear of being alone is very real to many. The almost insane thought of going out to dinner alone is something that strikes fear in most people. In fact, just arriving 10 minutes before a friend in a café can be bad enough. What will people think?

I believe that regardless of how many people live in your household, how many dates you have during a week or how many friends you have on Facebook we are all alone. We cannot obliterate aloneness. But we can learn to accept it, deal with it and even cherish it.

I came alone to this planet and when the time comes I will leave alone too. Just like everybody else. Through accepting my separateness I can bridge gaps and create meaningful and healthy connections to other people by maintaining my own individuality and appreciating others for who they are. I will spend time with others, not because being alone is unbearable but because I love their company.

I think that the key to cherishing aloneness lies in appreciating yourself. Because let’s face it, you are never really alone. You is always with you, and having a good relationship with yourself can make the time you spend alone into quality time. Through loving and accepting yourself you will transform a desert of loneliness into a garden of solitude.

And finally, one of my favourite quotes on being alone by Marilyn Monroe:

It is better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.

 

Yours In Loneliness,

Kristian

Give, and ye shall receive

/ Kristian / 1 Comment

Gerbera in women hand. Spa resord.

Quoting the bible is not something I do very often, and quite frankly until just a few moments ago I did not even know that this well-known line was from that book. The message is however as simple as it is true: Whatever you give will be returned to you.

-Wait a minute, mister! How can you say that? I give and I give and I give and I never get anything in return!! (Yes, we all know that one).

If you buy someone a coffee it is not a given that this person will buy you a coffee tomorrow, next week or even next year. But that is not really the point and keeping scores of people’s generosity is probably not a very good idea. Not because you are likely to end up with a negative balance but because giving for the sake of receiving exactly the same thing (or something better) back is not called giving at all. It is called borrowing, exchange or even investment.

Some of the happiest people I know are also among the most generous people I know. And I don’t think this is a coincidence. Generosity attracts generosity and people who give freely send a powerful signal to the world: That they are safe and secure enough to share whatever they have because they live in abundance. I am not necessarily talking about money and other material stuff. Belgian Cardinal Désiré-Joseph Mercier once said: We must not only give what we have; we must also give what we are. It is often more meaningful and valuable to give of our time, our love, our understanding, a smile, our experience, our knowledge or maybe just give someone a break.

It is a fact that many people find it very hard to give freely. A fact that is a bit more confusing is that very many people find it equally hard to accept other people’s generosity. I know people who graciously give tons to others (seemingly) without expecting anything in return. However, once you try to give these angels what they deserve they turn into these rather ungracious creatures, and what could have been a pleasant situation for both plunges into plain awkwardness. Denying people around you the joy of giving may feel noble and righteous to you, but chances are that the giver is not seeing it in the same way. So give and receive with equal grace; the two are inseparably linked to each other. If you feel you cannot thank the person properly then pay it forward. Be extra generous to the next person you meet. This is how everyday magic is created.

By all means, I am not a saint. I do however think that the world has an infinite potential for improvement in this particular area and for me personally this improvement can only start with me.

What goes around comes around. And the exciting thing is that it doesn’t always come from the direction you would expect. So give freely – you never know who you will be thanking later!

Generously Yours,

Kristian